I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
