I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
this beer tastes like vomit already
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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