Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
