Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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