like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
