Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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