He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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