we have pet lesbian snakes
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
