Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
