Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
