Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
