I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
