just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
