Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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