goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
