I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
