As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
