just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
