I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You took a bar mat shot.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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