I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
