that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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