why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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