HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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