I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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