Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
