anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
