ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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