tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
