11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
