So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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