Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
