Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
