singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
