Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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