Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
