I'm so fucking centered right now
Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
