i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
