we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
