I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
