Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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