Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
