He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
