There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
