I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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