Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
