I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She tied me up with her honor cords...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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