Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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