I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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