i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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