I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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