So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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